You mark my words, last night’s Eurovision Screeching Contest will go down as ‘classic’ in the so-called song competition’s history. I say ‘so-called song competition’ on account of the fact that the whole thing is less about anything even vaguely musical and more about legs, teeth, hair extensions and voting for your neighbours – but then, you already know that, right? So what’s new? I tell you, last night the old screechometer – which I apply to all the female singers regardless of the country they’re representing – shot right off the scale! Don’t they realise that screeching is precisely what most of us go out of a night in order to avoid? Of the twenty-six acts, fourteen were the hissy screechers, 10 were blokes, Iceland cancelled each other out on account of they were a couple, and then there was Jedward (who I thought did just foine sure). Take it from me, Pearl Carr or Shirley Abicair’d have a fit o’ the screamin’ abdabs if they’d been around last night. Now don’t get me wrong: it’s the glitz, the glamour, the sparkle and the eye-popping gorgeosity of the contestants from the distaff side that makes the Eurovision Ear’ole Bending Contest what it is (Russian Grannies excepted). But ugh… spare us the shrieking and screeching, per-leeeeeeese. All that was missing was Kate Bush and Aretha Franklin and we’ve have had the complete set. So by my reckoning this is what the actual result should be, based entirely on screechability with the higher the screech factor, the lower the position. In my view anybody with a screech factor over 5 should be banished to an underground cave and never heard of again.
1: Russian Grannies 0 2: Bosnia+Herzogovina 2 3: Romania 3 4: Denmark 4 5: tied – FYR Macedonia and Italy 5 7: Greece 6 8: Cyprus 7 9: tied – Ukraine and France 8 11: Sweden 9 12: tied – Azerbaijan and Spain 10 14: Albania 36
Now here’s the way one Eurovision entrant won the contest – and not a screech in earshot. Enjoy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Utd9cHBPfRA&feature=related